I started this draft back in 2023 but I didn’t finish it, I didn’t want to finish it. Because if I did, then I knew it must be over.
I.
I was 16 when I saw them on the shelf. I started to pay attention to how I presented myself, how I want to be perceived and stuff. Up until this point I’ve only owned 1 pair of shoes, and I wear them every day until they fall apart. Going into the new year, I wanted to buy a new pair of shoes that I liked. I wanted something chill, for school, and versatile.
And there they were, sitting on the top shelf in the skateboarding section. Sleek, minimal, elegant. Most importantly, they were on sale. Perhaps it was fate, there was only one pair left in that size.
Our journey thus began.
They were my first pair of flat shoes, and it took a minute for my feet to get used to them. I went a little bigger in size because mom said I would grow into them, so at first I laced them super tight to lock my heel down, and the knot was droopy and almost touching the ground so I was constantly anxious about tripping on it in front of class or something.
About a week in, I remembered my feet would hurt if I walked too fast, but I ignored it and we conquered those long walks between the north and south building.
One time I was late to Microecon, and I tiptoed into the classroom but instead they squeaked across that concrete floor and everyone looked at us. It was the most traumatic experience of my high school career, second after I farted in a silent study hall with all the courtyard kids.
Did you hear [redacted] is dating [redacted] now? That’s why he has his hood around his neck. Yo Kendrick just dropped. We are all going to the protest at the courthouse tomorrow. Just skip 3rd period.
Then on a random Tuesday, they magically became the most comfortable thing I have ever set foot in. We pretty much did everything together. I went to see a movie with a large group because one of my buddies was dating this theater girl and they invited me to a double date with her friend and so I held hands with this other girl in a haunted house and then I stepped in dog shit. I cleaned it out as much as I could but there was still poop in the wave patterned treads, so I waited until the next day during lunch and I went to the pool building to use the hose to blast it out. My coach saw me and said ‘havin’ a shitty day huh?’ and walked away laughing at himself. I could feel my sock getting wetter as the day went on. I had a really bad case of fever later that winter too, and my wisdom teeth were coming out so I was basically bedridden for 5 days. I came back to practice looking like a JV swimmer.
Sorry I got off track there, this is supposed to be about my grey size 9.5 Nike Stefan Janoskis.
II.
During college, life got so fast all of a sudden, I had to learn how to pick up my pace and figure shit out. Between going to lectures and labs and back and forth and gym and a part time job and football games and getting groceries and 3am cravings and just walking around for vibes, I put up Wilt numbers on my step count every day. Plus the Seattle rain could be ruthless sometimes. It didn’t take long for me to realize the physicality requirement for a college student is not to be underestimated. I desperately needed to upgrade my gear. Although, to be honest, mentally, I got bored of wearing the same shoes every day. My do-it-all shoe had become my fashion pain point, and I longed for refreshment. In this big ass campus in a big ass city, having an individuality was a dog fight. But how did that translate into me wearing sneakers? Compared to high school, I’m now more confident, more technical about fashion, and a little more adventurous. I wanted something new, something more functional, something that feels closer to who I am. I got my first pair of hiking boots. And I got my first pair of white sneakers. And I got my first pair of dedicated running shoes. And I got a pair of crocs. Not even a year into exploring my new self, my shoe collection ballooned up to 7 pairs.
Sitting in my basement room, listening to the rain. I opened up Marketplace.
“Good condition, just fell out of rotation. Price is flexible”
But in 2019, the sneaker meta pendulum was swinging away from minimalism. No one wanted them anymore. Every once in a while, I’ll take them out on a quick errand, and even though they were still my most comfortable shoe (all my 5 toes imprinted in the insole), like every pair of beaters, I only put them on because I didn’t care anymore.
I kept experimenting with different shoes. My Sambas (yeah I got them before they exploded and caused Adidas to switch to an even cheaper leather) fell apart rather quickly after walking everyday during my study abroad in Japan and became my sticky floor party shoes, but the Air Max 97 became my main vehicle after 2021. Another evergreen design from Nike, inspiration drawn from the Japanese bullet train. A bulkier, sportier silhouette as opposed to the low profile and the flatness of a skate shoe, with the white color way and gum soles, representing a more outgoing, physically stronger but still pretty chill version of myself. I knew this was the right choice when the then Huskies starting defensive back and future Kansas City first round pick gave me a compliment after he bumped into my camera on the field. Life was good.
III.
In 2022 I started going to the gym more consistently. That’s actually not true. I been going to the gym consistently, but I decided it was time to take the workouts more seriously as opposed to maintenance mode. You need to wear something with a flat sole for stability when lifting weights, so my Janoskis became my go to lifting shoes by default.
It was a leg day before my 8 hour shift in retail where I will be standing the whole time. But then again, when is it ever a good day to hit legs? I was warming up in the butterfly stretch position, and as I put my feet together I noticed how much mileage I’ve put in these shoes. The outer heels had heavily eroded (which meant my feet tend to supinate when I walk), the outsoles on both side had became translucent.
I started my routine on the leg press. Push, release. Push, release. Push. Feeling the burn. My shoes grew bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller in my field of view.
On the squat rack in flow state, I could feel my feet in them Janoskis. Still as comfortable as when I broke them in in high school. Still elegant and pretty to look at.
I eventually concluded my workout with a core circuit on the turf, and then I just laid there to stretch for a minute, zoning out again.
The first time I noticed the creases, I was like ‘damn I just got them like 2 weeks ago’. With the canvas upper they look like deep wrinkles on an old man, and I liked that. They might even be able to sell for 200 bucks in those Hawthorne thrift stores. The swoosh logo had some loose threads, from when I kicked the curb while texting and walking. This white spot on the front of the shoe was from when I helped a friend paint her room, and I remember thinking ‘yeah they my beaters now’. The scuffs from 2 am shawarma runs, homework grinds, failing finals, last second spontaneous adventures to the beach because fuck it why not, holding back your drunk buddy coz he was about to throw hands at strangers even though said strangers 100% deserved it, getting rejected from intended majors, get over it and figure out the next steps, feeling miserable about taking the next steps and full sending it anyway because what’s there to lose, jump off a bridge, jump off a plane. The proof of my existence from the past decade, crystallized and documented on my shoe. Wabi-sabi.
It’s a sunny day today. The sun is high and bright, gently toasting the autumn swirly air. The transition between summer and fall is my favorite season because you get to actually view the sunset at a perfect temperature after the scorching heat in the summer, and you know winter is coming so that gives you another reason to enjoy the sunset while you can. Anyway it’s a sunny day and we’re still broke. It’s a sunny day and we are still broke but I had a good workout. It’s a sunny day and we are still broke but I had a good workout while wearing my favorite shoe.
It’s funny, they don’t even fit me technically. My feet grew wider instead of longer so they were not my foot shape at all. But after breaking them in, it brought some visual balance to their original long, narrow silhouette, and I don’t know, it feels comfy and looks nice to me. What more can I ask for in a pair of shoes?
These are just shoes but I went from a high school kid hiding behind himself to an anxious college student wandering around to a salaryman, still wanting to disappear and still constantly overthinking. These are just shoes but they are the foundation of my character. These are just shoes and they are my legacy.
I looked at the clock. Time to go to work.
IV.
January 26 2025. Five years after Kobe passed away. I was going for a walk to get boba. The rubber heel counter broke apart and started to poke into my ankle, didn’t even make it out of the driveway. I turned back and switched into my Air Max 97s. I tossed the Janoskis in the garbage on my second attempt walking towards the boba spot.
